my phone needs a breathalizer
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
