She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
