11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
