she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
