You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
