**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
