Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
