You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
