I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
