So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
