Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
