So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
