If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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