I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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