i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
