Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
