I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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