She announced her abortion via fbk
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
