will power is for people who don't want to get laid
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
