Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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