Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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