shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
