Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
