Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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