Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
