you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Randomize
