I wanna bring you to show and tell
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
