Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
