The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
