i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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