I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
