so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
