We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
