I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
