I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
