I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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