just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
