Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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