Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
