I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
well you can't waste a boner
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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