I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
