Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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