i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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