Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
