I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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