i just had sex bonerless
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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