I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
