If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
