Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
