Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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