apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
