This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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