I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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