So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
