This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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